Zoloft 1.

Day one on Zoloft and I'm keen to document my experience as this is my first go with depression medication.
I had a rough couple of years, it's true, but the question I'm asking myself now was how much that has been of my own making.
There's been things I can't control yes, but more often than not I had the warning signs and I stubbornly, arrogantly chose to ignore them.
I think the depression I've been suffering (or struck down by it feels) it's the exhaustion of realisation.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Ive always known this but with John for some reason Ive always convinced myself I can do better next time, that I have enough influence over the situation that it could yield different results.
What a sad affair, it's so strange that I fell for a situation like this at my age, how niave I have been.
I'm sad when I look back on the opportunities I've had to walk away from this path and enjoy a different life. How I was crying over this relationship two years ago, one year ago, six months ago. How much I've deceived myself into carrying on such a damaging routine.
It's amazing how something so toxic has such persuasive patterns. How when he suggested sex on Saturday my mind immediately returned to it's old patterns of thought. How enticing it is to stay in this rut but I know, like I really know how much more life can offer me.
I've had better relationships, so much better and beyond that my relationship with myself has fallen so far by the wayside that here I am, day one on Zoloft and with a counsellor helping me plan my weeks day by day to help me remember how I used to live.
Here's the events that have built up a depression which finally peaked; the Sally saga, leaving that house in Holloway, falling out with John, the stress of two sick kittens, living with alcoholic Linton, a fear of never having children and understanding finally the reason for the years of pain was that he just simply didn't love me. It was that simple. The easiest thing in the world to have grasped you'd have thought.

Here's what's going to bring me back from that edge;
Zoloft, therapy, my friends, not total abandonment by John (I can wean myself off him), exercise, growing my hair, my darling kittens, writing and art.

I've deleted everything on this blog because my voice feels different now. Im not going to be someone who writes about how they wish things were, or wallows in self pity.

From today I'm going to write just to order and understand the facts.

From today I'm going to try and make each day a positive one that I can build and grow from, and I'm not going to let the critisms of someone who didn't love me echo constantly in my ear when ever I feel insecure.

If I work hard I can get back on track and I can achieve the goals that are important to me. Somewhere in that storm I taught myself those goals were him.