Xmas Eve, last year

You get through it. You just never get over it.

Things to spend money on when I next have money after Xmas

1. Second round of vaccinations for kittens
2. Having kittens castrated (if I can bear it)
3. New airmax trainers
4. Lip fillers
5. Tattoo of kittens

Pros cons

Pros:

1.living with creative people again
2.One is a dad so there will be a kid to play with sometimes
3.Kid will love kittens
4.Big garden
5.beautiful beautiful room
6.Amazing kitchen
7.Good transport links to my crew and to both jobs (south Tottenham and Holloway for crew, Oxford st and Haringey for jobs)
8.Close to park

9.ITS AVAILABLE AND I ONLY HAVE 5 DAYS LEFT
10.if I don't find somewhere this week I'll lose my Lush job

Cons:

1.it's a bit expensive
2.The idea of seeing him in the street makes me feel sick
3.The idea of going to the supermarket and he's there makes me feel sick
4.the idea of walking into a pub and he's there makes me feel sick
5.the idea of going for a run and running past him makes me feel sick
6.The idea of getting on a bus and he's there makes me feel sick
7.When the fundraiser was on green lanes I had to make my auntie drive me there and drop me outside the door because the idea of walking along that road made me feel so sick

10 pros and 7 Cons.

I just want you to know that I fucking hate you and I know what you did to me.

You emotionally blackmailed me into an abortion which ruined my physical and mental health and then laughed at me by booking a holiday with Sally whilst I was still leaking milk, THEN spent this whole entire year headfucking me into believing that I wasn't "as good" as her.

I'm not scared of you anymore, despite the fact that you've physically hurt me before, youre just an evil fucked up narcissistic cunt.

Y

Those inlove lover's loving arms wrapped around your waist. That is what all adults, crazy adults, long for.

Your daughter is ugly.
She knows loss intimately,
carries whole cities in her belly.
 
As a child, relatives wouldn’t hold her.
She was splintered wood and sea water.
They said she reminded them of the war.
  
On her fifteenth birthday you taught her
how to tie her hair like rope 
and smoke it over burning frankincense.
 
You made her gargle rosewater
and while she coughed, said
macaanto girls like you shouldn’t smell
of lonely or empty.
 
You are her mother.
Why did you not warn her,
hold her like a rotting boat
and tell her that men will not love her
if she is covered in continents,
if her teeth are small colonies,
if her stomach is an island
if her thighs are borders?
 
What man wants to lay down 
and watch the world burn 
in his bedroom? 
 
Your daughter’s face is a small riot,
her hands are a civil war,
a refugee camp behind each ear,
a body littered with ugly things
 
but God, 
doesn’t she wear
the world well.

Imago twins

I've been doing my research and I found something called rejection sensitivity, which is linked with frantic attempts to avoid abandonment.

When someone with abandonment issues percieves rejection they demonise the "abandoner" completely and feel they are at their mercy.

I feel victimised by your abandonment and go into a rage at your perceived crime (abandoning/rejecting) and you end up feeling victimised.

My aunt, who is a counsellor but also is the person who knows most about our relationship, says we remind her of a seminar she went to about "Imago twins".

Apparently the theory was that we all have an injury to the self during childhood and we learn to deal with that with a different defence.

My defence for example would be that I will do anything to avoid being abandoned.

Yours would be that you'll do anything to avoid being engulfed and suffocated by intimacy.

The idea is that these two defences are reactions to the SAME childhood injury; we would have suffered the same injury and learnt the OPPOSITE defence.

We are drawn to those with the opposite defence as it's a way of healing that original injury.

I think you were on the right track when you said I need drama in my life and you need peace.

But the more accurate problem is; I need closeness and you need space.

We each do have the others needs but deny them to ourselves;

You need closeness as well, but wouldn't ask for it.

And I can't ask for space because I feel like doing so is a bad, rejecting, abandoning behaviour.

Anyway..... because I feel abandoning is such a crime, when I feel it's happening to me, the abandoner (you) becomes evil, and I can only see all the bad things you've ever done to me and I feel hurt and victimised and launch an attack.

The attacks are really an abusive and unhealthy response to your rejection of me.

Your behaviour towards me has been confusing from the start, like you care about me so much but you aren't bothered if I'm in your life. We are close but I feel like a fringe member of your world and even during the most intimate times I have felt disposable.
I need to feel safe and secure to flourish. I can't help it. Instability in my relationships breeds instability in my mind,  if I was truly unimportant to you that would be one thing but it's really not that simple.
Flowchart

You need space > I perceive abandonment > I feel victimised > attack > you feel victimised > you need space > I percieve abandonment > I feel victimised > attack

And so on and so on....

I'm scared all the time of what you'll do to me if I bump into you and Sally and your friends out, or on the tube or something, in fact the past few days I feel nervous whenever I leave the house, I feel frightened all the time of what you would do and say, which is why I'm compelled to try and make you see me like a proper person somehow so I don't feel so terrified anymore, but I don't know how or what to do, I thought maybe you could write me verification on here so I can try to be a swinger.

After the love

The apologies were implicated in the kisses. Or at least once they were, when we still had tangible crimes to cleanse away.
We condensed a lifetime of wars into only a year. You did, or I did, or is at least the blame a balanced quantity?
A battle of "no I love you more" mutilated til it's "you hurt me more".
We savaged each other because love is for grown ups same as war, and creative souls that we are, we required something cleaner.
Instead of love I'd prefer to have shared my childhood with you. Ride a bike to the park and share a 99 flake with you. Never hurt you. Have your back. Maybe in the next life xxxx

I found out he wanted Ellie Taboo when he left me all alone for six weeks and said he was busy for work. I found him on five websites for sex and I found that hes bicurious and hetero flexible and that he thinks transgender people are the best of both worlds the creme de la creme and I found out when he left me last summer he went with two transgender people and he still speaks to ellie and he told her about me and he thinks shes beautiful and hot and all those good things and I don't think this is why we broke up I still think it was me who destroyed it but I now know he is a narcissist for definite from his wierd sexual behaviour and I still miss him and I still woke up this morning thinking my leg was his leg and he was here and then when I started to realise reality I forced myself to stay asleep for as long as I could like remaining face down playing dead it hurts so badly but its for the best now I know.
I can't imagine what kind of father hed have been, is it sex addiction,  does he only lie about sex,  is it destroying his life, can he love,  did he love me, could he love a baby, I would be so scared if I was still pregnant and im relieved that im not but part of me wishes I was and he was who I wanted and he did love me and we could have the most imaginative home and the most beautiful child and read to the baby and cook the healthiest food for it but I will find those things again but on the 3rd of August when it would have been born I will still cry and I will want him with me nobody else but itll never be that way again and his touch will never be comforting the way it was because now I know he always wanted Ellie Taboo in his arms and I was a joke,  and thats ok, everything is ok.

Easy Hotel

Your limbs are loose and lazy when you feel guilty,  like those early times,
the last time is like those first times. 
I reassured you, "use me", and you did but muttering hot and deep in my ear, 
thick and deep inside me,
that it's a home to you.
Well,  it's a home to me too.
and you are a son to me,
and I'm a child in your arms and
I'm your jealous, competitive sibling giving you chinese burns till you back down.

Oh whatever he has done I have done
wherever he has been I have been
lilac moors cannot conceal the scarlet stench of death

I just remembered how youd snore and i'd say "John sleep on your side and stop snoring"
kiss the smooth skin in the small of your back as you rolled over and then you'd roll the otherway and hold me in your big arms, tucked up on your lap, safe.

To my amazing family.
I am so sorry.  I am so lucky and an un-grateful brat for all that I have, you worked so hard to give me everything and what do I do with it?

I'm so sorry.  It is in no way your fault,  I swear. There was nothing you could have done more for me,  nobody could ever say otherwise. 

I love you so much,  if anything I am just glad to go before any of you, because I am that selfish there is no way I could stand to loose you any of you myself because I love you too much.

I just cant do it. When I had the abortion something in me died and I can't get it back.
I am a different person now and I can't do it.
I am so angry and bitter and resentful and I cant properly function because I blame EVERYONE for pushing me to make the decision -- when it was me that made that decision, and the person I am angry and bitter and resentful with is myself.

I cant forgive myself for what I did. I think about how pregnant I would be now,  and my due date, and I know its never going to leave me. I will never be whole again.

It isnt Johns fault either.  He was there for me afterwards but I am not the same person I was before and thats not his fault. 

Dont let him be blamed for my bad decisions - the fault is mine alone.

He has no obligation to love me or be with me and anyway,  love isnt enough, it doesn't change what I did.

I was suffering with him and now I am suffering without.

I can't handle anymore suffering.  I can't change what I did because its in the past,  I have to let go,  and I know I won't take all this pain with me when I leave,  and it's the only way out.

I'm going on and on because I really want you to know it was nobodys fault but mine and not to blame each other or yourselves.

I know this is a horrible thing I have done, but I am a horrible selfish person and this is me; taking the easy route out of a hard situation. 

I dont believe in Heaven but I will be with everyone I love forever.  I love you so much it's eternal, I swear.
I'm sorry.

J

my love isnt lost
its unconditional
and cannot fade

or fall away

I'd drown my beliefs, to have your babies
but I wanted to be yours
more
I can, and will become a better person now
and actually with you gone I am so relaxed sometimes
I can read
and swim
and cook
and paint
and fill my life again

but then the anxiety attacks bang down on me and the tears fall so thick.

and in the night I dream of you and gnash my teeth till my jaw pops out

I will never not love you
Ill always miss you

but I know you so well so I talk to you in my head
and I imagine what youd say
and thats ok

but

Dont leave
Dont abandon me
You have

I forgot my pill
I hurt us both
but you
hurt
us
both
forever

I wanted a lifetime of your comforting touch
and tenderness
deep voice and white teeth
eyelashes
smell
our administered healthy rejuvenating sleep
our thick and dirty imaginations knitting together so tight I fell so hard into the illusion of loves false security
I took us for granted
and in doing so I crashed the car
but your still breathing
and that means I am too
my love
X

It feels like I had my vital organs removed, soaked in embalming fluid and then replaced, they feel numb.

Then there's these episodes of abject terror.

I'm five again in the supermarket, lost, with a sense that this is it, I will never see my parents again.
Even after the tannoy goes "Roya, please come to the tills where your Mum is waiting" I don't let myself believe she'll really be there.

So I text you in panic and you text back so cold but I instantly, I mean instantly, feel better, like, it's okay, he's still alive, nothing bad has happened, this is false though, the panic is warranted, something bad has happened and its continuing to happen.

I'll never see your face again, ever again, in all the time I'm alive, each numb and anxious day, I won't fall into a sleep with you so perfect it's like its been administered for my health won't wake up and with my eyes closed feel your light shining on my face.

I feel like I want to kill myself but I don't want to hurt my family. Its so hard though because I am such a massive dick that I hurt people everyday through my selfishness so maybe one massively selfish act and then nothing selfish anymore, maybe that would be better anyway.

I don't want you here under duress or through guilt but fuck; I am scared.

I did this, do this, am doing this, and I can't stop. I kicked it to death and I'm still kicking it.

I'm scared cos the first thing I think of when I wake up is you, then what I did, then you again, then suicide.

Disorder

At this stage I have to conclude either him or me has a personality disorder.

He would definitely be Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I would be Borderline Personality Disorder.

Maybe it's both of us.
Anyway, goodbye, and let the future carry on rolling in.

breakup letter

The honest, naked truth is I am totally insecure. I hate drama. Drama with those I love hurts me really deeply and I dont know how to cope with it.

It confirms everything I believe deep down about not deserving a healthy peaceful love, and the more we argue the more insecure I find myself.

The closer you got the more scared I got because whilst the love I have for you is enormous the trust I have in anyone is almost non existant.

Of course there is reasons for these kinds of issues but this isnt about that. 

Without me ever properly explaining how I feel in all this time, its totally understandable that you think I need drama but it's not the case,  I'm just well lost.

Sometimes I definitely needed the space and time out that you knew to take for yourself,  but I didn't have the faith and belief that you'd still be there when I came back.

I learnt so much during our break in the summer and had really learnt all kinds of ways to keep my emotions in check and the raging insecurity at bay.

I'd learnt to pull away when I needed space not to push you away for it.

And how to rationalise with the terrible distrustful thoughts which made loving someone such a horrible battle for me.

Not so much the pregnancy,  but the abortion,  threw all that to the ground. 

I had a new stick to beat myself around the head with and I didn't really know how to stop.

However I honestly believe that if I hadnt gotten that infection,  we would be in a very different place right now.

But I did. And I felt it was impossible that you would stay around and felt utterly convinced you were preparing to go off with another girl.

Whether that's true or just me torturing myself is irrelevant,  what matters is I then proceeded to behave unforgivably,  to destroy everything we had. 

There may well be millions of women who have been through an abortion with complications and not created enormous ramifications in their own lives with those that they love,  but I am already emotionally predisposed to serious anxiety which makes coping much harder for me.

I needed space to process but I couldn't let you go incase you left me.

I screwed up,  for good this time.

But not because these last few weeks is the kind of relationship I want to be in, but because I was learning to love you properly in the months before.

I screwed it up because I just could not handle the cards that I had been dealt.

I found out on Tuesday at the pre-op scan that everything has cleared up and I am back to normal. 

So this is bittersweet for me I guess,  I love you, I miss you, but I am glad this nightmare is over for us both and I hope you find someone who really makes you happy.

Christmas Eve

I can try to forget you but you won't let me easily.  My body still thinks you're here.
The size of a kidney bean with fingers, you'd have stolen away your father's features and my heart. 
I know you'll find another place to go, to grow. 
You were before I ever guessed but you never even knew that you were.

love

I just wanted to kill it incase it should die anyway and now I want to resuscitate it with kisses to the face,  everything is so crystal clear and its burning me up but I'll love you properly from now on,  my whole flimsy life, no conditions,  if I see you every day or one more time or just on weekends or never ever ever ever again.