J

my love isnt lost
its unconditional
and cannot fade

or fall away

I'd drown my beliefs, to have your babies
but I wanted to be yours
more
I can, and will become a better person now
and actually with you gone I am so relaxed sometimes
I can read
and swim
and cook
and paint
and fill my life again

but then the anxiety attacks bang down on me and the tears fall so thick.

and in the night I dream of you and gnash my teeth till my jaw pops out

I will never not love you
Ill always miss you

but I know you so well so I talk to you in my head
and I imagine what youd say
and thats ok

but

Dont leave
Dont abandon me
You have

I forgot my pill
I hurt us both
but you
hurt
us
both
forever

I wanted a lifetime of your comforting touch
and tenderness
deep voice and white teeth
eyelashes
smell
our administered healthy rejuvenating sleep
our thick and dirty imaginations knitting together so tight I fell so hard into the illusion of loves false security
I took us for granted
and in doing so I crashed the car
but your still breathing
and that means I am too
my love
X

It feels like I had my vital organs removed, soaked in embalming fluid and then replaced, they feel numb.

Then there's these episodes of abject terror.

I'm five again in the supermarket, lost, with a sense that this is it, I will never see my parents again.
Even after the tannoy goes "Roya, please come to the tills where your Mum is waiting" I don't let myself believe she'll really be there.

So I text you in panic and you text back so cold but I instantly, I mean instantly, feel better, like, it's okay, he's still alive, nothing bad has happened, this is false though, the panic is warranted, something bad has happened and its continuing to happen.

I'll never see your face again, ever again, in all the time I'm alive, each numb and anxious day, I won't fall into a sleep with you so perfect it's like its been administered for my health won't wake up and with my eyes closed feel your light shining on my face.

I feel like I want to kill myself but I don't want to hurt my family. Its so hard though because I am such a massive dick that I hurt people everyday through my selfishness so maybe one massively selfish act and then nothing selfish anymore, maybe that would be better anyway.

I don't want you here under duress or through guilt but fuck; I am scared.

I did this, do this, am doing this, and I can't stop. I kicked it to death and I'm still kicking it.

I'm scared cos the first thing I think of when I wake up is you, then what I did, then you again, then suicide.

Disorder

At this stage I have to conclude either him or me has a personality disorder.

He would definitely be Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I would be Borderline Personality Disorder.

Maybe it's both of us.
Anyway, goodbye, and let the future carry on rolling in.