Never cried so many tears

You are about the size of a grape and you have a tiny human form, because you are a tiny human. I feel so proud of you that you managed to build yourself so quietly and secretly inside my womb. Putting yourself together,  you've been so clever. 
I know you'd be bright and kind and creative.  I know you'd be beautiful and confident and a really good friend to all your friends. 
I'm really proud that I've been your mother for all of 7 weeks and 1 day, and I'm so sorry this is the wrong time for me and you. 
I wish I could come to your school plays and we could go on trips to the beach but it's not going to work out like that because I wasnt ready for you to sneak up on me like this. 
I haven't got a father for you to pick you up and put you on his shoulders and also to take care of me, cos I'll really need that to be the best for you that I can be. 
I'm so sick at the moment because you're so fragile youre rejecting everything I eat that might be poison and you only like sugar and plain carbs and I havent got anybody to help me,  I'm sick and I'm looking after myself, completely alone, and it's so so hard. 
What about when I'm really heavily pregnant, I cant do it alone. 
When you're born we will both need support from someone else and whilst we could probably find people to help us,  I want you to have your very own dad.
I want you to have a dad who wants to protect you,  and who loves you, and if we do this and you're born in August,  it will be into a world with a father who hates us both.
I don't want you to ever feel not good enough for him or anyone else,  or for us to struggle and suffer because I am lonely and sad and depressed and you absorb that and feel anything other than safe and happy.
I promise you when we meet again I will be ready,  and you'll be born and we'll be together and we'll be fine because I will get my world in order for you.
I'm so sorry I wasn't ready and I'll think about you all the time until you come back.