The honest, naked truth is I am totally insecure. I hate drama. Drama with those I love hurts me really deeply and I dont know how to cope with it.
It confirms everything I believe deep down about not deserving a healthy peaceful love, and the more we argue the more insecure I find myself.
The closer you got the more scared I got because whilst the love I have for you is enormous the trust I have in anyone is almost non existant.
Of course there is reasons for these kinds of issues but this isnt about that.
Without me ever properly explaining how I feel in all this time, its totally understandable that you think I need drama but it's not the case, I'm just well lost.
Sometimes I definitely needed the space and time out that you knew to take for yourself, but I didn't have the faith and belief that you'd still be there when I came back.
I learnt so much during our break in the summer and had really learnt all kinds of ways to keep my emotions in check and the raging insecurity at bay.
I'd learnt to pull away when I needed space not to push you away for it.
And how to rationalise with the terrible distrustful thoughts which made loving someone such a horrible battle for me.
Not so much the pregnancy, but the abortion, threw all that to the ground.
I had a new stick to beat myself around the head with and I didn't really know how to stop.
However I honestly believe that if I hadnt gotten that infection, we would be in a very different place right now.
But I did. And I felt it was impossible that you would stay around and felt utterly convinced you were preparing to go off with another girl.
Whether that's true or just me torturing myself is irrelevant, what matters is I then proceeded to behave unforgivably, to destroy everything we had.
There may well be millions of women who have been through an abortion with complications and not created enormous ramifications in their own lives with those that they love, but I am already emotionally predisposed to serious anxiety which makes coping much harder for me.
I needed space to process but I couldn't let you go incase you left me.
I screwed up, for good this time.
But not because these last few weeks is the kind of relationship I want to be in, but because I was learning to love you properly in the months before.
I screwed it up because I just could not handle the cards that I had been dealt.
I found out on Tuesday at the pre-op scan that everything has cleared up and I am back to normal.
So this is bittersweet for me I guess, I love you, I miss you, but I am glad this nightmare is over for us both and I hope you find someone who really makes you happy.
