oxytocin

I found out he wanted Ellie Taboo when he left me all alone for six weeks and said he was busy for work. I found him on five websites for sex and I found that hes bicurious and hetero flexible and that he thinks transgender people are the best of both worlds the creme de la creme and I found out when he left me last summer he went with two transgender people and he still speaks to ellie and he told her about me and he thinks shes beautiful and hot and all those good things and I don't think this is why we broke up I still think it was me who destroyed it but I now know he is a narcissist for definite from his wierd sexual behaviour and I still miss him and I still woke up this morning thinking my leg was his leg and he was here and then when I started to realise reality I forced myself to stay asleep for as long as I could like remaining face down playing dead it hurts so badly but its for the best now I know.
I can't imagine what kind of father hed have been, is it sex addiction,  does he only lie about sex,  is it destroying his life, can he love,  did he love me, could he love a baby, I would be so scared if I was still pregnant and im relieved that im not but part of me wishes I was and he was who I wanted and he did love me and we could have the most imaginative home and the most beautiful child and read to the baby and cook the healthiest food for it but I will find those things again but on the 3rd of August when it would have been born I will still cry and I will want him with me nobody else but itll never be that way again and his touch will never be comforting the way it was because now I know he always wanted Ellie Taboo in his arms and I was a joke,  and thats ok, everything is ok.