Never cried so many tears

You are about the size of a grape and you have a tiny human form, because you are a tiny human. I feel so proud of you that you managed to build yourself so quietly and secretly inside my womb. Putting yourself together,  you've been so clever. 
I know you'd be bright and kind and creative.  I know you'd be beautiful and confident and a really good friend to all your friends. 
I'm really proud that I've been your mother for all of 7 weeks and 1 day, and I'm so sorry this is the wrong time for me and you. 
I wish I could come to your school plays and we could go on trips to the beach but it's not going to work out like that because I wasnt ready for you to sneak up on me like this. 
I haven't got a father for you to pick you up and put you on his shoulders and also to take care of me, cos I'll really need that to be the best for you that I can be. 
I'm so sick at the moment because you're so fragile youre rejecting everything I eat that might be poison and you only like sugar and plain carbs and I havent got anybody to help me,  I'm sick and I'm looking after myself, completely alone, and it's so so hard. 
What about when I'm really heavily pregnant, I cant do it alone. 
When you're born we will both need support from someone else and whilst we could probably find people to help us,  I want you to have your very own dad.
I want you to have a dad who wants to protect you,  and who loves you, and if we do this and you're born in August,  it will be into a world with a father who hates us both.
I don't want you to ever feel not good enough for him or anyone else,  or for us to struggle and suffer because I am lonely and sad and depressed and you absorb that and feel anything other than safe and happy.
I promise you when we meet again I will be ready,  and you'll be born and we'll be together and we'll be fine because I will get my world in order for you.
I'm so sorry I wasn't ready and I'll think about you all the time until you come back. 

john

Mad real passion, curled up sleeping, skin on skin flooding me with feeling so alive its almost too bright, this is all the good shit, the bounty of being on earth and when I was in the midst of it - I felt too precious to cannibalise it and make any art or do any writing. I was totally unwilling to mythicise us, storytell my experience, what if I blew you up to a giant and to you, I am insignificant, my pride couldn't hack it.
I cried and clung and begged, greedy, lustful, needy, all things repellent, but I needed you to go away completely so I could start on the frankenstein business of reducing you to just a character of my past. Its fun to date other boys and keep you with me as something larger than life, so lets not talk, but talking isnt why I was crying, I just wanted to sleep, and I knew itd be more peaceful with you there, beautiful boy.

Monday

If I am totally honest with myself he never wanted me, thats why when I pushed for reassurance that we were more than sex, this entire horrorshow was set in motion.
All this "drama" is an inability to communicate, because its all done via instant messenger, and each sentence we type is crammed with vitriol and manipulation, to bend the other to our will.
In fact the few times we've discussed these things face to face they've been easily resolved but he's been point blank adamant not to meet, and I've been happy to engage in long debates of war from deliberately chosen distant stand points.
In fact face to face we say, I want this, I dont want that, ok, me too, lets do that, and achieved peace.

Ive accepted less than I want for so long my self esteem has eroded and on Friday when he was too tired to see me but happily awake on Whatsapp at 3am, in my intoxicated, all day starving, state of mind it was the end of the world. I was ready to quit but I was so drunk and blundering and made a fool of myself.
of course I know if you love someone you dont kill yourself and burden them with a lifetime of guilt and what ifs and PTSD.
And I do, love him, but I can see now how toxic we were, and he's wrong, it wasnt all me, I was voiceless and silent and then I tried to speak up he told me my feelings were invalid, draining, annoying and bored, and I believed him.
Its okay to love someone but be glad its over now.

my mindset

i only feel happy when hes nice to me
even then it feels manic
my mind has never been so exhausted with worrying
ive never had highs as giddy (i cant remember)
i think im in love but i dont know how to measure it
if i could read his mind i would do it even if i didnt like it

'us ones in between'

ive been listening to this song non-stop for the past week and now i mustve heard it a hundred times, the lyrics are so clever and deep.
i spoke to my friend nathan about the dreams ive been having, particularly that i dreamt i found my friend that i might be in love with hidden in the back of my cupboard dressed as a goblin talking in a scary voice where he told me he'd been hiding there for 3 weeks.
my friend nathan is all about the meditation and he taught me an exercise in vispassana meditation about unlocking suppressed emotions and repressed feelings and it was deep, i visualised my friend, the goblin in the cupboard, and my heart filled full of excitement and anticipation it was so nice and glowing and i focused on the feeling, it was hard not to, it was pure happiness but then it changed it grew hard and small in my chest and left an expanse of pain and emptiness around it and i felt tired and my smokers chest pains were agony and i wanted to be alone and i put the song on and the bit where he sings 'and you should always pass when you get the inside lane' was too much, i cried so hard, it was a shock i didn't know the tears were coming and they hit so fast, just rushing through me, i could feel them in my blood like a rush of mdma or something. and in exhaustion and all my emotional state i just lay there and sobbed away.
since then i am way more self aware and much less crazy and i love the song even more.
i'm writing this cos im sitting here listening to it and reading about it on song meanings.com and people have written all these complex unpickings of the lyrics and symbolism paragraphs and pages of what it means to them and what it could mean to the singer and then one person has just written one sentence of what the song means to them;

'General Comment:you are the reason for my impending destruction
and i want you anyways.'


and it blew my little mind/hyper heart in two.

anyway
here's the song xxx

Pages from my diaries