Easy Hotel

Your limbs are loose and lazy when you feel guilty,  like those early times,
the last time is like those first times. 
I reassured you, "use me", and you did but muttering hot and deep in my ear, 
thick and deep inside me,
that it's a home to you.
Well,  it's a home to me too.
and you are a son to me,
and I'm a child in your arms and
I'm your jealous, competitive sibling giving you chinese burns till you back down.

Oh whatever he has done I have done
wherever he has been I have been
lilac moors cannot conceal the scarlet stench of death

I just remembered how youd snore and i'd say "John sleep on your side and stop snoring"
kiss the smooth skin in the small of your back as you rolled over and then you'd roll the otherway and hold me in your big arms, tucked up on your lap, safe.

To my amazing family.
I am so sorry.  I am so lucky and an un-grateful brat for all that I have, you worked so hard to give me everything and what do I do with it?

I'm so sorry.  It is in no way your fault,  I swear. There was nothing you could have done more for me,  nobody could ever say otherwise. 

I love you so much,  if anything I am just glad to go before any of you, because I am that selfish there is no way I could stand to loose you any of you myself because I love you too much.

I just cant do it. When I had the abortion something in me died and I can't get it back.
I am a different person now and I can't do it.
I am so angry and bitter and resentful and I cant properly function because I blame EVERYONE for pushing me to make the decision -- when it was me that made that decision, and the person I am angry and bitter and resentful with is myself.

I cant forgive myself for what I did. I think about how pregnant I would be now,  and my due date, and I know its never going to leave me. I will never be whole again.

It isnt Johns fault either.  He was there for me afterwards but I am not the same person I was before and thats not his fault. 

Dont let him be blamed for my bad decisions - the fault is mine alone.

He has no obligation to love me or be with me and anyway,  love isnt enough, it doesn't change what I did.

I was suffering with him and now I am suffering without.

I can't handle anymore suffering.  I can't change what I did because its in the past,  I have to let go,  and I know I won't take all this pain with me when I leave,  and it's the only way out.

I'm going on and on because I really want you to know it was nobodys fault but mine and not to blame each other or yourselves.

I know this is a horrible thing I have done, but I am a horrible selfish person and this is me; taking the easy route out of a hard situation. 

I dont believe in Heaven but I will be with everyone I love forever.  I love you so much it's eternal, I swear.
I'm sorry.