john

Mad real passion, curled up sleeping, skin on skin flooding me with feeling so alive its almost too bright, this is all the good shit, the bounty of being on earth and when I was in the midst of it - I felt too precious to cannibalise it and make any art or do any writing. I was totally unwilling to mythicise us, storytell my experience, what if I blew you up to a giant and to you, I am insignificant, my pride couldn't hack it.
I cried and clung and begged, greedy, lustful, needy, all things repellent, but I needed you to go away completely so I could start on the frankenstein business of reducing you to just a character of my past. Its fun to date other boys and keep you with me as something larger than life, so lets not talk, but talking isnt why I was crying, I just wanted to sleep, and I knew itd be more peaceful with you there, beautiful boy.

Monday

If I am totally honest with myself he never wanted me, thats why when I pushed for reassurance that we were more than sex, this entire horrorshow was set in motion.
All this "drama" is an inability to communicate, because its all done via instant messenger, and each sentence we type is crammed with vitriol and manipulation, to bend the other to our will.
In fact the few times we've discussed these things face to face they've been easily resolved but he's been point blank adamant not to meet, and I've been happy to engage in long debates of war from deliberately chosen distant stand points.
In fact face to face we say, I want this, I dont want that, ok, me too, lets do that, and achieved peace.

Ive accepted less than I want for so long my self esteem has eroded and on Friday when he was too tired to see me but happily awake on Whatsapp at 3am, in my intoxicated, all day starving, state of mind it was the end of the world. I was ready to quit but I was so drunk and blundering and made a fool of myself.
of course I know if you love someone you dont kill yourself and burden them with a lifetime of guilt and what ifs and PTSD.
And I do, love him, but I can see now how toxic we were, and he's wrong, it wasnt all me, I was voiceless and silent and then I tried to speak up he told me my feelings were invalid, draining, annoying and bored, and I believed him.
Its okay to love someone but be glad its over now.