J

my love isnt lost
its unconditional
and cannot fade

or fall away

I'd drown my beliefs, to have your babies
but I wanted to be yours
more
I can, and will become a better person now
and actually with you gone I am so relaxed sometimes
I can read
and swim
and cook
and paint
and fill my life again

but then the anxiety attacks bang down on me and the tears fall so thick.

and in the night I dream of you and gnash my teeth till my jaw pops out

I will never not love you
Ill always miss you

but I know you so well so I talk to you in my head
and I imagine what youd say
and thats ok

but

Dont leave
Dont abandon me
You have

I forgot my pill
I hurt us both
but you
hurt
us
both
forever

I wanted a lifetime of your comforting touch
and tenderness
deep voice and white teeth
eyelashes
smell
our administered healthy rejuvenating sleep
our thick and dirty imaginations knitting together so tight I fell so hard into the illusion of loves false security
I took us for granted
and in doing so I crashed the car
but your still breathing
and that means I am too
my love
X