oxytocin

It feels like I had my vital organs removed, soaked in embalming fluid and then replaced, they feel numb.

Then there's these episodes of abject terror.

I'm five again in the supermarket, lost, with a sense that this is it, I will never see my parents again.
Even after the tannoy goes "Roya, please come to the tills where your Mum is waiting" I don't let myself believe she'll really be there.

So I text you in panic and you text back so cold but I instantly, I mean instantly, feel better, like, it's okay, he's still alive, nothing bad has happened, this is false though, the panic is warranted, something bad has happened and its continuing to happen.

I'll never see your face again, ever again, in all the time I'm alive, each numb and anxious day, I won't fall into a sleep with you so perfect it's like its been administered for my health won't wake up and with my eyes closed feel your light shining on my face.

I feel like I want to kill myself but I don't want to hurt my family. Its so hard though because I am such a massive dick that I hurt people everyday through my selfishness so maybe one massively selfish act and then nothing selfish anymore, maybe that would be better anyway.

I don't want you here under duress or through guilt but fuck; I am scared.

I did this, do this, am doing this, and I can't stop. I kicked it to death and I'm still kicking it.

I'm scared cos the first thing I think of when I wake up is you, then what I did, then you again, then suicide.