oxytocin

To my amazing family.
I am so sorry.  I am so lucky and an un-grateful brat for all that I have, you worked so hard to give me everything and what do I do with it?

I'm so sorry.  It is in no way your fault,  I swear. There was nothing you could have done more for me,  nobody could ever say otherwise. 

I love you so much,  if anything I am just glad to go before any of you, because I am that selfish there is no way I could stand to loose you any of you myself because I love you too much.

I just cant do it. When I had the abortion something in me died and I can't get it back.
I am a different person now and I can't do it.
I am so angry and bitter and resentful and I cant properly function because I blame EVERYONE for pushing me to make the decision -- when it was me that made that decision, and the person I am angry and bitter and resentful with is myself.

I cant forgive myself for what I did. I think about how pregnant I would be now,  and my due date, and I know its never going to leave me. I will never be whole again.

It isnt Johns fault either.  He was there for me afterwards but I am not the same person I was before and thats not his fault. 

Dont let him be blamed for my bad decisions - the fault is mine alone.

He has no obligation to love me or be with me and anyway,  love isnt enough, it doesn't change what I did.

I was suffering with him and now I am suffering without.

I can't handle anymore suffering.  I can't change what I did because its in the past,  I have to let go,  and I know I won't take all this pain with me when I leave,  and it's the only way out.

I'm going on and on because I really want you to know it was nobodys fault but mine and not to blame each other or yourselves.

I know this is a horrible thing I have done, but I am a horrible selfish person and this is me; taking the easy route out of a hard situation. 

I dont believe in Heaven but I will be with everyone I love forever.  I love you so much it's eternal, I swear.
I'm sorry.