J

my love isnt lost
its unconditional
and cannot fade

or fall away

I'd drown my beliefs, to have your babies
but I wanted to be yours
more
I can, and will become a better person now
and actually with you gone I am so relaxed sometimes
I can read
and swim
and cook
and paint
and fill my life again

but then the anxiety attacks bang down on me and the tears fall so thick.

and in the night I dream of you and gnash my teeth till my jaw pops out

I will never not love you
Ill always miss you

but I know you so well so I talk to you in my head
and I imagine what youd say
and thats ok

but

Dont leave
Dont abandon me
You have

I forgot my pill
I hurt us both
but you
hurt
us
both
forever

I wanted a lifetime of your comforting touch
and tenderness
deep voice and white teeth
eyelashes
smell
our administered healthy rejuvenating sleep
our thick and dirty imaginations knitting together so tight I fell so hard into the illusion of loves false security
I took us for granted
and in doing so I crashed the car
but your still breathing
and that means I am too
my love
X

It feels like I had my vital organs removed, soaked in embalming fluid and then replaced, they feel numb.

Then there's these episodes of abject terror.

I'm five again in the supermarket, lost, with a sense that this is it, I will never see my parents again.
Even after the tannoy goes "Roya, please come to the tills where your Mum is waiting" I don't let myself believe she'll really be there.

So I text you in panic and you text back so cold but I instantly, I mean instantly, feel better, like, it's okay, he's still alive, nothing bad has happened, this is false though, the panic is warranted, something bad has happened and its continuing to happen.

I'll never see your face again, ever again, in all the time I'm alive, each numb and anxious day, I won't fall into a sleep with you so perfect it's like its been administered for my health won't wake up and with my eyes closed feel your light shining on my face.

I feel like I want to kill myself but I don't want to hurt my family. Its so hard though because I am such a massive dick that I hurt people everyday through my selfishness so maybe one massively selfish act and then nothing selfish anymore, maybe that would be better anyway.

I don't want you here under duress or through guilt but fuck; I am scared.

I did this, do this, am doing this, and I can't stop. I kicked it to death and I'm still kicking it.

I'm scared cos the first thing I think of when I wake up is you, then what I did, then you again, then suicide.

Disorder

At this stage I have to conclude either him or me has a personality disorder.

He would definitely be Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I would be Borderline Personality Disorder.

Maybe it's both of us.
Anyway, goodbye, and let the future carry on rolling in.

breakup letter

The honest, naked truth is I am totally insecure. I hate drama. Drama with those I love hurts me really deeply and I dont know how to cope with it.

It confirms everything I believe deep down about not deserving a healthy peaceful love, and the more we argue the more insecure I find myself.

The closer you got the more scared I got because whilst the love I have for you is enormous the trust I have in anyone is almost non existant.

Of course there is reasons for these kinds of issues but this isnt about that. 

Without me ever properly explaining how I feel in all this time, its totally understandable that you think I need drama but it's not the case,  I'm just well lost.

Sometimes I definitely needed the space and time out that you knew to take for yourself,  but I didn't have the faith and belief that you'd still be there when I came back.

I learnt so much during our break in the summer and had really learnt all kinds of ways to keep my emotions in check and the raging insecurity at bay.

I'd learnt to pull away when I needed space not to push you away for it.

And how to rationalise with the terrible distrustful thoughts which made loving someone such a horrible battle for me.

Not so much the pregnancy,  but the abortion,  threw all that to the ground. 

I had a new stick to beat myself around the head with and I didn't really know how to stop.

However I honestly believe that if I hadnt gotten that infection,  we would be in a very different place right now.

But I did. And I felt it was impossible that you would stay around and felt utterly convinced you were preparing to go off with another girl.

Whether that's true or just me torturing myself is irrelevant,  what matters is I then proceeded to behave unforgivably,  to destroy everything we had. 

There may well be millions of women who have been through an abortion with complications and not created enormous ramifications in their own lives with those that they love,  but I am already emotionally predisposed to serious anxiety which makes coping much harder for me.

I needed space to process but I couldn't let you go incase you left me.

I screwed up,  for good this time.

But not because these last few weeks is the kind of relationship I want to be in, but because I was learning to love you properly in the months before.

I screwed it up because I just could not handle the cards that I had been dealt.

I found out on Tuesday at the pre-op scan that everything has cleared up and I am back to normal. 

So this is bittersweet for me I guess,  I love you, I miss you, but I am glad this nightmare is over for us both and I hope you find someone who really makes you happy.

Christmas Eve

I can try to forget you but you won't let me easily.  My body still thinks you're here.
The size of a kidney bean with fingers, you'd have stolen away your father's features and my heart. 
I know you'll find another place to go, to grow. 
You were before I ever guessed but you never even knew that you were.

love

I just wanted to kill it incase it should die anyway and now I want to resuscitate it with kisses to the face,  everything is so crystal clear and its burning me up but I'll love you properly from now on,  my whole flimsy life, no conditions,  if I see you every day or one more time or just on weekends or never ever ever ever again.

Never cried so many tears

You are about the size of a grape and you have a tiny human form, because you are a tiny human. I feel so proud of you that you managed to build yourself so quietly and secretly inside my womb. Putting yourself together,  you've been so clever. 
I know you'd be bright and kind and creative.  I know you'd be beautiful and confident and a really good friend to all your friends. 
I'm really proud that I've been your mother for all of 7 weeks and 1 day, and I'm so sorry this is the wrong time for me and you. 
I wish I could come to your school plays and we could go on trips to the beach but it's not going to work out like that because I wasnt ready for you to sneak up on me like this. 
I haven't got a father for you to pick you up and put you on his shoulders and also to take care of me, cos I'll really need that to be the best for you that I can be. 
I'm so sick at the moment because you're so fragile youre rejecting everything I eat that might be poison and you only like sugar and plain carbs and I havent got anybody to help me,  I'm sick and I'm looking after myself, completely alone, and it's so so hard. 
What about when I'm really heavily pregnant, I cant do it alone. 
When you're born we will both need support from someone else and whilst we could probably find people to help us,  I want you to have your very own dad.
I want you to have a dad who wants to protect you,  and who loves you, and if we do this and you're born in August,  it will be into a world with a father who hates us both.
I don't want you to ever feel not good enough for him or anyone else,  or for us to struggle and suffer because I am lonely and sad and depressed and you absorb that and feel anything other than safe and happy.
I promise you when we meet again I will be ready,  and you'll be born and we'll be together and we'll be fine because I will get my world in order for you.
I'm so sorry I wasn't ready and I'll think about you all the time until you come back.