The John Files

I'm going to write out the chronicle of everything that's happened. From my perspective. Publish it online. My book.

pics from 1014/2015/2016/2017 not in order

100 things I love (50-100)

51. How funny my sister is
52. Clouds out of aeroplane windows
53. Baz Luhrmans Romeo and Juliet
54. Sex texts
55. American cream conditioner
56. The sea
57. Antibacterial wipes
58. Baking
59. Facemasks
60. Headphones
61. Seeing my hip bones jut out
62. My mums long silver hair
63. My godson talking about dinosaurs
64. Any movie with Anthony Hopkins
65. Cinema dates
66. Clean pyjamas
67. Drawing with kids at the centre
68. Train ride back to Kent
69. Natalie portman
70. Tarot cards and playing cards
71. Antique furniture
72. Ikea food
73. Aloe vera plants
74. Wandering around expensive department stores
75. Nike air max 90s
76. Getting ready for a party together
77. My phone
78. My aunt and uncles flat in Glastonbury
79. Coffee with auntie Helen
80. When books or films make you feel understood
81. Making new friends
82. Achieving fitness goals
83. Booking holidays
84. Green smoothies
85. Deep red wine
86. Warm scarfs
87. Swimwear
88. Nars foundation
89. The name "Dante"
90. Warm feet
91. Sunshine on my face
92. White walls
93. Wooden floors
94. Black out curtains
95. Sid and Nancy the film
96. Lavender
97. Woodcuts
98. Trench coats
99. Short dresses
100. Granny Smith apples

Zoloft 3 and 4.

Depression increases intensity and length of dreams so I'm enjoying some restful bland nights sleep at the moment.

Yesterday was notably better than I've been in awhile, my emotions are definitely flattening out already.

Side effects of anxiety and suicidal ideation started at 5am this morning. Seems like just about the worst side effects for antidepressants but at least the doctors warned me this would happen at some point this week.

My weight has dropped by 9lbs in like two weeks which is amazing, I'd like to loose another 10lbs and see how I look then!

I haven't unblocked John but it's not bothering me now. If he asked for presents back a year after we broke up then I'd say no, why is asking for his love back any different?
Possession is 9/10th of the law.

100 things I love (1-50)

1. My Gustav klimt blanket
2. Mum's voice
3. Bats
4. Blake and Maurice
5. When my Dad makes proper tea
6. Drinking water
7. Hot showers
8. Herbal tea
9. Doing impressions of my cats
10. When Sara does impressions of my cats
11. A tidy room
12. The Smell of paint
13. Matching socks
14. Reading on the tube
15. Black coffee in a cardboard cup on a cold day
16. Taking photos on my phone
17. Elephants
18. The Smell.of books
19. Bookshops
20. Chromecast
21. That feeling when your sad and your running hard with loud music
22. Chilli sauce
23. Having multiple messages on WhatsApp from different people
24. Kittens purring
25. The silence when my head is under water
26. Horrible horror movies
27. Bob Dylan
28. Freshly threaded eyebrows
29. Molecule 01
30. When my Dad calls me Sweetie pie
31. Getting someone help at the migrant centre
32. Diet coke
33. Knowing the words to every Lana del Rey song
34. A good collection of Lush shower gels
35. My legs getting skinnier
36. Avocado
37. American horror story
38. Woody harrelson
39. Sleeping with someone I love
40. Velvet dresses
41. Xxxx's on msgs
42. People who offer a bit of their chocolate
43. Applying makeup
44. Anticipation at an art gallery
45. Scented candles
46. Talking to my sister about cats
47. High ceilings
48. My zara scarf
49. Being with my family at Christmas
50. Having a good stretch.

Zoloft 2.

I can hardly stand up. Im up for a few minutes but then I'm weak and shaking so badly I have to lay back down. This is my second day in bed and I'm also now finding it impossible to eat, weighed myself and I'm already down 2lbs from yesterday.

I feel like I need to write an apology out and receive forgiveness.

I feel like a huge chunk of my twenties has been burnt before my very eyes and I'm reeling with the shock from that.

Who is it I'm sorry to?

Zoloft 1.

Day one on Zoloft and I'm keen to document my experience as this is my first go with depression medication.
I had a rough couple of years, it's true, but the question I'm asking myself now was how much that has been of my own making.
There's been things I can't control yes, but more often than not I had the warning signs and I stubbornly, arrogantly chose to ignore them.
I think the depression I've been suffering (or struck down by it feels) it's the exhaustion of realisation.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Ive always known this but with John for some reason Ive always convinced myself I can do better next time, that I have enough influence over the situation that it could yield different results.
What a sad affair, it's so strange that I fell for a situation like this at my age, how niave I have been.
I'm sad when I look back on the opportunities I've had to walk away from this path and enjoy a different life. How I was crying over this relationship two years ago, one year ago, six months ago. How much I've deceived myself into carrying on such a damaging routine.
It's amazing how something so toxic has such persuasive patterns. How when he suggested sex on Saturday my mind immediately returned to it's old patterns of thought. How enticing it is to stay in this rut but I know, like I really know how much more life can offer me.
I've had better relationships, so much better and beyond that my relationship with myself has fallen so far by the wayside that here I am, day one on Zoloft and with a counsellor helping me plan my weeks day by day to help me remember how I used to live.
Here's the events that have built up a depression which finally peaked; the Sally saga, leaving that house in Holloway, falling out with John, the stress of two sick kittens, living with alcoholic Linton, a fear of never having children and understanding finally the reason for the years of pain was that he just simply didn't love me. It was that simple. The easiest thing in the world to have grasped you'd have thought.

Here's what's going to bring me back from that edge;
Zoloft, therapy, my friends, not total abandonment by John (I can wean myself off him), exercise, growing my hair, my darling kittens, writing and art.

I've deleted everything on this blog because my voice feels different now. Im not going to be someone who writes about how they wish things were, or wallows in self pity.

From today I'm going to write just to order and understand the facts.

From today I'm going to try and make each day a positive one that I can build and grow from, and I'm not going to let the critisms of someone who didn't love me echo constantly in my ear when ever I feel insecure.

If I work hard I can get back on track and I can achieve the goals that are important to me. Somewhere in that storm I taught myself those goals were him.