Y

Those inlove lover's loving arms wrapped around your waist. That is what all adults, crazy adults, long for.

Your daughter is ugly.
She knows loss intimately,
carries whole cities in her belly.
 
As a child, relatives wouldn’t hold her.
She was splintered wood and sea water.
They said she reminded them of the war.
  
On her fifteenth birthday you taught her
how to tie her hair like rope 
and smoke it over burning frankincense.
 
You made her gargle rosewater
and while she coughed, said
macaanto girls like you shouldn’t smell
of lonely or empty.
 
You are her mother.
Why did you not warn her,
hold her like a rotting boat
and tell her that men will not love her
if she is covered in continents,
if her teeth are small colonies,
if her stomach is an island
if her thighs are borders?
 
What man wants to lay down 
and watch the world burn 
in his bedroom? 
 
Your daughter’s face is a small riot,
her hands are a civil war,
a refugee camp behind each ear,
a body littered with ugly things
 
but God, 
doesn’t she wear
the world well.

Imago twins

I've been doing my research and I found something called rejection sensitivity, which is linked with frantic attempts to avoid abandonment.

When someone with abandonment issues percieves rejection they demonise the "abandoner" completely and feel they are at their mercy.

I feel victimised by your abandonment and go into a rage at your perceived crime (abandoning/rejecting) and you end up feeling victimised.

My aunt, who is a counsellor but also is the person who knows most about our relationship, says we remind her of a seminar she went to about "Imago twins".

Apparently the theory was that we all have an injury to the self during childhood and we learn to deal with that with a different defence.

My defence for example would be that I will do anything to avoid being abandoned.

Yours would be that you'll do anything to avoid being engulfed and suffocated by intimacy.

The idea is that these two defences are reactions to the SAME childhood injury; we would have suffered the same injury and learnt the OPPOSITE defence.

We are drawn to those with the opposite defence as it's a way of healing that original injury.

I think you were on the right track when you said I need drama in my life and you need peace.

But the more accurate problem is; I need closeness and you need space.

We each do have the others needs but deny them to ourselves;

You need closeness as well, but wouldn't ask for it.

And I can't ask for space because I feel like doing so is a bad, rejecting, abandoning behaviour.

Anyway..... because I feel abandoning is such a crime, when I feel it's happening to me, the abandoner (you) becomes evil, and I can only see all the bad things you've ever done to me and I feel hurt and victimised and launch an attack.

The attacks are really an abusive and unhealthy response to your rejection of me.

Your behaviour towards me has been confusing from the start, like you care about me so much but you aren't bothered if I'm in your life. We are close but I feel like a fringe member of your world and even during the most intimate times I have felt disposable.
I need to feel safe and secure to flourish. I can't help it. Instability in my relationships breeds instability in my mind,  if I was truly unimportant to you that would be one thing but it's really not that simple.
Flowchart

You need space > I perceive abandonment > I feel victimised > attack > you feel victimised > you need space > I percieve abandonment > I feel victimised > attack

And so on and so on....

I'm scared all the time of what you'll do to me if I bump into you and Sally and your friends out, or on the tube or something, in fact the past few days I feel nervous whenever I leave the house, I feel frightened all the time of what you would do and say, which is why I'm compelled to try and make you see me like a proper person somehow so I don't feel so terrified anymore, but I don't know how or what to do, I thought maybe you could write me verification on here so I can try to be a swinger.

After the love

The apologies were implicated in the kisses. Or at least once they were, when we still had tangible crimes to cleanse away.
We condensed a lifetime of wars into only a year. You did, or I did, or is at least the blame a balanced quantity?
A battle of "no I love you more" mutilated til it's "you hurt me more".
We savaged each other because love is for grown ups same as war, and creative souls that we are, we required something cleaner.
Instead of love I'd prefer to have shared my childhood with you. Ride a bike to the park and share a 99 flake with you. Never hurt you. Have your back. Maybe in the next life xxxx

I found out he wanted Ellie Taboo when he left me all alone for six weeks and said he was busy for work. I found him on five websites for sex and I found that hes bicurious and hetero flexible and that he thinks transgender people are the best of both worlds the creme de la creme and I found out when he left me last summer he went with two transgender people and he still speaks to ellie and he told her about me and he thinks shes beautiful and hot and all those good things and I don't think this is why we broke up I still think it was me who destroyed it but I now know he is a narcissist for definite from his wierd sexual behaviour and I still miss him and I still woke up this morning thinking my leg was his leg and he was here and then when I started to realise reality I forced myself to stay asleep for as long as I could like remaining face down playing dead it hurts so badly but its for the best now I know.
I can't imagine what kind of father hed have been, is it sex addiction,  does he only lie about sex,  is it destroying his life, can he love,  did he love me, could he love a baby, I would be so scared if I was still pregnant and im relieved that im not but part of me wishes I was and he was who I wanted and he did love me and we could have the most imaginative home and the most beautiful child and read to the baby and cook the healthiest food for it but I will find those things again but on the 3rd of August when it would have been born I will still cry and I will want him with me nobody else but itll never be that way again and his touch will never be comforting the way it was because now I know he always wanted Ellie Taboo in his arms and I was a joke,  and thats ok, everything is ok.

Easy Hotel

Your limbs are loose and lazy when you feel guilty,  like those early times,
the last time is like those first times. 
I reassured you, "use me", and you did but muttering hot and deep in my ear, 
thick and deep inside me,
that it's a home to you.
Well,  it's a home to me too.
and you are a son to me,
and I'm a child in your arms and
I'm your jealous, competitive sibling giving you chinese burns till you back down.